A large black limo comes to a stop at a light at 7th and H Streets, downtown Washington. A cyclist pulls up and puts a foot down to the right of the big Lincoln as two men begin to talk in the plush, leather backseat.
“This bike thing is getting out of control. It’s blowing up in our faces and starting to affect the election. Polls are pointing the wrong way for us. We need a plan, tell me you’ve got one? What’s the plan, how are we going to handle this?” Said the governor, panic in his voice.
“I don’t think it’s quite time to panic yet Governor. Sure there’s some backlash from the environmentalists, but they complain about everything and going green is red hot right now. I think with some artful spin we’ll be able to head it off at the pass, maybe even turn the tides to our advantage.”
“Go on…I’m listening.”
“There is a movement, even a strong movement yes, among cycling advocates and greenies, all demanding equal rights and more room on the street–everything from bike lanes and ‘Share the Road’ signs to green ways and converted rail lines. And sure, building these infrastructures will create jobs, and having people out of their cars will help lower health care costs and bring communities together in a way not seen since the 1870s…but…”
“But what? Put it that way and I’ll go by a bike right now. Driver, to Walmart as quick as you can; Jim here has me needing a new Schwinn. Come on, what are we going to do? The polls are telling me that I cannot win this election maintaining that bikes belong in the dirt and cannot join autos on the road. But if I flip on this I’ll just look weak. I can’t flip, I won’t flip. The hard-line appeals to the base, that’s who I need to stick with. The base is where we get our strength–but they lack the numbers to be sure we’ll win this thing.”
“Stop worrying sir, we won’t flip. We’ll make it look like there is no problem… that there is no conflict, or better yet, if there is one, it has nothing to do with cycling and autos, but is more about just being human. It wouldn’t matter what people are doing or riding, driving, or walking, that the fact is that they just naturally war with each other.”
“You may be onto something, Jim; there are two forces at work here and two angles we can come from. Human nature being naturally at war with each other, and–cyclists making the whole thing up, making themselves out to be the victim but they perpetuate and exacerbate the problem by not following the established rules.”
“And wearing goofy clothes.” Smiling and nodding toward the window.
“Yes, and wearing goofy clothes.”
“They are the bad ones, inventing a problem, growing and nurturing the problem with their disobedience, and then insisting on a solution for their own gain at the taxpayers’ expense.”
“All we want to do is keep the status quo. Roads are for cars. What’s wrong with that?”
“This is really about interpretation… that’s how we have to frame it. Cyclists interpret the problem in the street as human-caused, as a social issue, fueled by bike haters and decades of auto-domination on the streets. A real fight for equality, for equal rights among cars…real bleeding heart kind of stuff that, of course, appeals to the left. The truth is, this phenomenon is totally natural and it wouldn’t matter if there were no cars at all and everyone was on a bike. Human nature would dominate and cyclists would be venting their road rage on other cyclists just like cats and dogs.”
“Now we’re talking…I need you to find every clip out there of cyclists fighting with each other. Scour the internet, YouTube must have dozens of them. We’ll buy the rights and repost them according to our needs.”
“Can we make a civil war out of this thing governor?”
“We will make a civil war out of this thing.”
“Look at her, standing there, all gussied up in her Spandex. Why do they wear that crap anyway? Doesn’t she know it makes her ass look big?”
The light turns green.